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Saturday, Mar. 26, 2005 - Don't Hold Your Breath

I blocked my air ways for a few seconds to feel the reality of soffocation. Panic kicks in, anxiety takes over which requires more oxygen and I realized it wouldn't take me long to die.

I used to be able to swim to the deep end of pools and retrieve heavy objects. A couple years ago I tried to touch the bottom like I once did and the fear of drowning, of not reaching the surface quick enough swept over me. I haven't been in a swimming pool since.

A swift death is the ideal way to die, not at the bottom of a pool, staring up at the blinding sun which seems just out of reach from safety.

I used to plan how I would die. Not every detail 'cause I like surprises but something horrific, something that would stick in everyone's mind. Even if no one remembers me in life, I would not be forgotten in death.

Now I know that's silly. It's silly 'cause I fear pain and a slow sufferable death is not something I crave just for rememberance.

Some times it's better to be forgotten.


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