"Surprised to hear from me? I bet. To be blunt I had no intentions whatsoever of doing this, mainly cause I had absolutely nothing to say. It's not that I didn't try to reply to you cause I tried multiple times and just plum gave up. Typical but hear me out. No word of a lie, I stared at this screen for a fucking eternity, waiting for the words to spill, and I was left completely and utterly blank! Nothing, nada, zilch, which is really quite sad. Funny but sad. Being so close to someone for so long and all the sudden speechless when attempting to do what should come so naturally... I mean shit, you could hear a fucking pin drop inside of my head complete with an echo. (I think you get the general idea).

So why now? Why not just leave it be? Couldn't tell ya. I guess I all the sudden have something to say. I dunno but enjoy and feel free to laugh if you need to. Also, keep in mind, it's hurting me more than it's hurting you cause that's the way I like it.

I'm so use to getting hurt I feel lost without the pain of it. I'm actually addicted to it. I create my own pain for that reason alone and deserve everything that's handed to me. Must explain my fixation with pouring my heart out to a "piece of paper" in a mild attempt at fixing my problems. It's a nice thought, my intentions are good but hey, it's just not meant to be and that's just the way it is.

You of all people should know, I'm weak when it comes to confrontation. I stumble and fall all over my words and end up saying to hell with it and let it go until I want to explode. Really though, you can't tell me you weren't expecting this. Deep down we both knew some day it would boil down to this final little e-mail cause it always boils down to something with everyone in my life. It's inevitable. I befriend someone, get close, confide in them and it simply falls apart to the point I don't have the energy to do anything but write a cowardly letter ending it all. Yeah, I see the huge red flag in front of my pretty brown eyes but I just don't give a shit any more. I'm not meant to have any long lasting relationships. I can barely stand myself, how can I honestly expect anyone else to?

Really, you should just stop here and delete this cause I'm throwing myself a pity party that I'm not exactly sure you want to attend. I'm also on a roll so this could get awfully lengthy and I'm not sugar coating anything.

You say go on? Did I hear that correct? Wow, you must be really bored. Well, it's simple, I take everything for granted and expect too damn much. Okay, maybe not simple but it's a fact and it's getting fucking predictable with everyone I come in contact with. I get let down hard, my high presumptions crumble and I am left behind for something better. Phone calls become more sporadic and communication relies heavily on the odd e-mail. You have to realize, that was quite the transition I had to make being use to daily conversations and weekend long adventures but that's just me and my personal conflict with change and compassion. Not to mention my inability to make a difference. Yeah I know, it takes two but damnit I'm too fucking lazy. I also enjoy having something to complain about. So in reality, this e-mail should be addressed to myself cause I'm the one at fault.

Though, it did surprise me a wee tad the time it probably took to write that Happy Birthday e-mail as opposed to picking up the phone. I dunno, Grandpa's having strokes & shit like that is big news, kinda has the same effect as hearing someone died over an answering machine.

BUT that's what I mean by expecting too much and being so fucking self centered. Believe me, I've already slapped my wrists multiple times for that one. Bad Krista! BAD! I'm so ashamed.

So, just to let you know if you care, from now on I am going to expect zero from everyone around me. I don't want any thing from any one any more. That way, if by some chance I do get something it will all be worth while and actually cherished rather than tossed aside cause nothing stays the same forever. DUH, I just learned that the harsh way but it all goes back to relishing in my own self induced pain and ignorance.

How the hell did you put up with me for so long? I'm physcho and a shitty friend to boot. I have no patience for anything, I'm dependent, I give up too easily and I'm high maintenance. Why the hell should I have expected this to be different? I'm better off alone. Saves everyone a lot of heartache as well as eventually receiving one of my fucked up e-mails. SO, consider this an official dismissal... Please, don't thank me, it's my pleasure.

I hereby relieve you of your duties of being my 'friend' indefinitely. I am not worthy of your presence in my life. I am too demanding, selfish and unstable to have such a blessing. Consider yourself lucky.

Now, proceed with your life and I wish you all the best."

Would you respond to me after receiving this even almost a year later?

I didn't think so.