Confused? Yeah, me too. All that is besides the point, the point which I've now lost...

My memory is for shit any more. I can't seem to concentrate long enough without being distracted to soak in any major details. It actually takes a great deal of effort and energy on my part to remember things or to stay on topic inside of my head.

Long running conversations I lose interest within the first few minutes. I stare blankly and pretend I'm listening when I'm really not. I can read body language though. I laugh when appropriate, nod when I should. I guess that makes me a great listener as long as the one doing the talking doesn't mind me not hearing anything that's being said. Ask me about it later though and I'm totally fucked.

Maybe that's why all my ex-friends bailed on me. No, wait, I was the one doing the bailing. I walked away when times got tough, when I couldn't confront our problems. Well, I could but I chose not to. It was just easier to leave than to actually fix something.

I have a long line of broken relationships trailing after me. Longer than I like to admit. My family swears my reasons were just, and maybe so in some cases, but not with The Girl.

The Girl I could tell anything up until the last few months. She was the little sister I never had. We talked every damn day and then she met The Boy and our daily conversations became sporatic until it reached the point of talking when she had time which was hardly ever.

I was set on the back burner and rather than telling her my feelings as I had before, I wrote her a "Dear John" e-mail and ended it. Yup, just like that 'cause that's what I'm famous for.

We should all know by now that I'm terrible with confrontation and the spoken word. They just don't mix well with me. To no avail, I end up in tears and give in rather than saying what I really want to.

See, I have high expectations of people and when they're not met I become angry, too angry to deal with it. I'm also not a fan of change and while I tried to be supportive of their relationship I felt more of a burden to her. I guess I thought I was doing her a favor with that e-mail.

I don't know if it's guilt or the simple fact that I'm lonely but now, almost a year later, I've been mauling over the idea of writing her again. But write her and say what exactly? I can only apologize for not trying harder. Even that doesn't seem like enough but I'm trying now, doesn't that count for something?